RUSSELL HICKS

Ode to The Youth Market

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You’re suckers. And you’re being lied to. Oh, sorry, did I hurt your feelings? People seem to get agitated when I recite my old saw that, “Young people are stupid.” 

Let me be clear, that I am a recovering youth. I was stupid. I was once the future. 

Coke, Coke, Pepsi, new-tech. It’s all geared towards you, the special ones, the future — the old folks don’t get it.

Of course because this is America (even if this is the UK – it’s still America. They officially own financially, spiritually, anything west of Dover). This is all a great ploy to sell you something. To suck from you, those old peoples dollars. 

The young are rubes. They buy into this completely, thumbing the eyes of the old people, calling them out of touch, saying, “ They don’t get it” as if they were the ones who planted this idea in their own heads in the first place. 

Then, dear youth, to the minute, once the powers at be have sucked you dry of every last ounce of Youth Market spending, they will hand you a brochure titled Consumer Products for Over-Thirties (furniture, organic produce, wellness activities) before guiding you straight out of the building, like someone who’s just been fired. 

The things you buy are stupid. The things we bought were stupid. Who do you think gave Adam Sandler a career? 

So, you’re stupid. We were stupid. Of course some youth are the shining future leaders. They are the ones who grow up to sell stupid things to all the stupid kids of the stupid kids they grew up with. 

Sorry, you want an upbeat ending? 

Well, we didn’t have those in my day! So deal with it. 

Oh, fine. A positive prescription for how to save the world along with the thesis encapsulated: 

The notion that you are better than the generation before you simply because you are younger, is a corporate backed narrative that has been concocted by rich businessmen who have instilled this in you for the sole purpose of selling you as much as they can before selling the exact same lie to the generation that will immediately follow you in succession. 

So what can you do? 

Buy local. 

Read comic books. 

Melt your phone. 

They can’t call you old and out of it, if you were never young and dumb in the first place.